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Anxiety: School on fire
I’m writing this blog as the father of a twelve year old girl who has been consumed by an anxiety disorder this year. This is our lived experience and it’s a journey we’re still navigating.
I’m writing this blog as a man who, alongside his wife, comforted his daughter when she vomitted and reassured her when she sobbed with the pain of intense headaches. I’m the dad who held his daughter’s hand when she cried herself to sleep and helped her to control her breathing when she woke with panic attacks in the middle of the night. I’m writing this as a parent who was told his child was “fine in school” but who saw that his daughter was breaking.
Laced with poison
I’m not sure if everyone’s friends with their internal voice, the inner you that acts as your guide and conscience. That little voice in your head makes you question everything and at times seems louder than ever. If so, maybe mine is faulty and I need to return it, as mine doesn’t feel like an extension of me. There are no mini Me’s dressed as an angel or devil sitting on my shoulders. There is just her, and everything she says is meant to hurt.
My kicking Anxiety away list
Where did the year go? We have sixteen days until 2022 comes at us full throttle. I sincerely apologise if my countdown has alarmed you. We all know ‘New Year New Me’ can feel monotonous and the whole idea of New Year’s Resolutions breathing down our necks again can seem intense. I’ll be the first to admit (albeit not proudly) that I have yet again failed to fulfill the plans I made ‘oh so hopefully’ in January.
A classic enquiry for TMW
It’s just gone 09:00 and John is on the phone to me about an enquiry when the work mobile rings. I am privy to the conversation between John and a Mum. She had been recommended by a friend, of a friend, of a friend who had been a client of ours. This friend of a friend, of a friend, of a friend who had been a TMW client had stressed to “only see them”.
Why are people so judgmental
I hate it when people say, “Did you do something stupid?” in that patronizing tone.
I hate it when people say, “Were you going to do something silly?” in regards to self-harm and suicide. Because, no, it didn’t feel silly or stupid when I wanted to die, thinking in my heart of hearts people’s lives would be better if I simply did not exist. It didn’t feel silly when I painstakingly wrote that note apologising to my family for what I was going to do.
If you asked me - The story of an Autistic girl
If asked you pick out the heavily anxious child out of a line up, would you be able to? Would you pick the one slacking off, the one constantly fiddling or perhaps the one no teacher could say anything bad about? Could you be confident enough in your choice? Maybe there is some conscious vibe we give off?
Should the past remain in the past?
A couple of months ago an old friend reached out to inform me that someone from my past had unfortunately passed away and within a split second I began to cry, I cried buckets but this small nagging voice within me screamed that I had no right to be upset or grieve because that person was my past. I hadn’t spoken to them in months, maybe even years.
A small personal victory
It was a small personal victory when I finally went to the Doctors to admit out loud, for one of the first times, I was suicidal. To explain how, hours before, I lay awake at night from trying to talk myself out of walking to the nearest bridge and just jumping.
Or that I wouldn’t mindlessly think about walking onto the train tracks and let nature do the rest.
Autism & Language
It is only in this last decade that Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) and Community Paediatrics are now screening and diagnosing Autism and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)/Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). And once they have completed their diagnostics, they discharge.
Foreign language that is fixation
Fixation is one of those words bathed in a Jekyll & Hyde styled light. When you hear the word some people may assume it with a specific kind of darkness, addiction, danger, violence the list goes on. Others may link it with a strong passion for something, but when paired with the word ‘Autism’ or ‘Autistic’ it can often feel like fixation becomes a foreign language. What is this suddenly new term?
The Anxiety is temporary, the memories are forever!
I’m currently writing this listening to the beautiful silky harmony of Lewis Hamilton’s 2013 Mercedes flying around Silverstone. It’s a real pinch me moment but then I remember everything I’ve faced in the past few hours that lead to this moment.
Failure
You know that moment when you’ve tried really really hard for something and then comes the f word. Your bottom lip starts to quiver and tears build burning to be released.
The F word being failed.
Four simple letters
Liebe. Amour. Rakkaus. Liefde. Kärlek. Любовь. Love. No matter how you pronounce it it will always be there pulsating around the world like undetectable lay lines. Pure energy that somehow connects us as humans. At least I think love exists? Love can not simply be a mirage of emotions caused by biological chemicals?
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